Family Man
by Sick Twisted Mind
Summary: Watching Carl care for Judith has Negan wondering what it would be like to have his own family. Maybe he already has one standing right in front of him. (Negan/Carl. Cegan)
1. Chapter 1

He's not sure when it started, when he went from seeing Carl as a potential son to something more twisted, but he thinks it was the time he walked around Alexandria with him. Carl's anger and annoyance written all over his face and Negan was. So. Damn. _Proud_ that this kid wasn't afraid of him. A little bit of molding, pushing and pulling, and Carl could take his spot one day as a fearless leader. He had the attitude, he had the bravery, the intelligence, the _balls_. Negan would be Carl's mentor and teach him every damn thing he knew.

But then he found little Judith cooing away in her crib that day. Such a sweet and vulnerable face, Negan couldn't resist. He had lifted her from the crib and immediately found her being pulled away. Carl had taken her from him without a second thought and had her balanced on his hip, her small fingers in his hair.

"She doesn't like people she doesn't know holding her."

Negan took her back after swinging Lucille a bit, but he watched throughout the day as Carl interacted with the little girl. He changed her clothes, he brushed her hair, helped her brush her teeth. He changed her diaper, practiced new words with her and fed her before even making his own plate of food.

Carl isn't a kid anymore and he sure as hell wasn't back then. He wasn't a kid running around being stupid and reckless, he was an adult long before he hit 18. He was practically a father to his sister - Carl didn't need Negan to fill the role of his daddy when Carl was filling that role for someone else.

Some times, Negan would lean against the wall and wonder if he would be the father Carl was if Lucille didn't get cancer and the world didn't go to shit. Would he have sang songs and learned how to braid for his little girl? Would he have tossed his son in the air and cuddled him at night? Would he have held Lucille close and watched their kids open gifts on Christmas morning? Would he have liked it?

Carl did. He did all of it. He cooked for her, potty trained her, kissed her bruises and taught her to use a knife. He ran himself ragged caring for Judith and smiled as he did it.

Negan remembers when the weirdness started months earlier, just after Carl hit 19. Watching as he helped her out of dirty clothes and wash her hands before an awkward family dinner Negan invited himself too. He had given Negan one last glare before going into the near by kitchen, both Judith and Negan always in his sight.

He pictured the whole thing. Getting up and kissing Judith on her head before following Carl, wrapping his arms around that thin waist and nuzzling his neck and Carl chuckling while he fixed the food. Then a proper family dinner with relaxed conversation and laughter, maybe a neighbor or two over, both of them wiping food off of Judith's smiling face. They'd put her to bed after reading a story with silly voices before slinking off to their own bedroom for an intimacy none of his wives could provide him.

Those fantasies became more common as he visited Alexandria more. Judith doesn't see him as a threat (yet) and smiles when he arrived. Carl holds her hand and keeps her beside him.

If they had met differently, would there be a time where Carl would greet him with a smile and kiss and Judith would run into his arms?

But Negan has a group to provide for, an image to maintain. So he crushes down the image and twirls Lucille in his hands, orders his men inside and take what they deserve.

When he sees Carl and Judith watching him, he has to walk away.


	2. Chapter 2

It hurts how fucking close he is to all of this.

Carl sits to his left, Judith to his right. At one point, Lucille sat up in that chair closest to him, but Negan placed her on the floor to make room for Judith. She has a small bit of spaghetti on her tray and a cut up roll beside that, Carl is watching her intently from across the table.

"Well, Carl, dear, this all looks fucking delicious."

Carl scowls and that's not the reaction Negan wants. He wants a smile, a 'thank you', a kiss on the cheek. But no, he gets silence and anger.

Negan sighs.

Judith starts playing in her spaghetti, she has one hand in it already and is going for two, but Negan stops her.

"Hold on, sweetheart," she gazes up at him as he grabs a napkin. "I'll help you out."

Negan wipes off her little hand, so much smaller than his, so much more delicate and soft, and she flexes her fingers against his hand. Negan smiles at her and kisses her palm (and Carl exhales shakily). He reaches for the fork on her tray when Carl stands.

"I can feed her." He says quickly, moving around the table before Negan grabs him.

"Sit down, Carl." He doesn't want to have to order Carl to listen, but he does anyway and that reminds him that none of this is real.

But it _can_ be, dammit. It _can_ be real. At least for one fucking meal.

"I've got her," Negan says softer, thumb rubbing the hand he grabbed. He wants to lay a kiss in Carl's palm, a kiss on his pink lips, but he can't push this more than he is.

Carl freezes, but takes his seat again, watching carefully. Negan lifts the fork and twirls the noodle onto it, just a little bit and it freaks him out how much less Judith eats than him. He knows a toddler can't eat nearly as much as an adult but seeing how much smaller her bites are does something weird to his stomach.

A human that small and weak gives him a warm and cold sensation simultaneously. The fear of how vulnerable she is, how easily she could get lost battles with the desire to protect her and care for her.

Both are things Negan has never felt before.

She opens her mouth in anticipation and Negan chuckles. He makes an airplane noise that surely makes him sound ridiculous (but he can be his real self here, between these two, can't he?) and she hums happily once the plane has landed. She swallows and immediately opens her mouth for more.

"Really, I can-"

"Relax, darling. I said I got her."

Negan hadn't meant to let that endearment slip, Carl shifts awkwardly beside him. Fucking dammit. He knows they don't want him here, he's not really a part of this, but he wants to forget that for a moment. But every time he gets too comfortable, he slips and it's just a reminder as to what the situation really is.

Carl eats slowly and Negan finds that he honestly has no issue feeding Judith completely before even touching his own.

 _Dammit_. He'd be good at this! He's be fucking awesome at this life! He could take care of both of them, he would put them _first_ , why couldn't he fucking have that?! Why couldn't they _see_ that?

He eats his own and it really is good, Carl's a good cook when he tries and Negan wants to genuinely compliment him, but Carl would just sit in silence and that would be another fucking reminder.

He makes small talk through dinner, Carl gives short answers when he should be eagerly telling Negan all about his day and all the exciting things he did, he should be asking Negan all the same questions, curious to hear how his lover's day went.

But he doesn't.

Carl lifts Judith from her highchair and Negan puts the dishes in the sink so that Carl wouldn't have to later. He pauses when he remembers the cooking Carl did, the cooking for _him_. Negan could give back. He _wanted to give back._ Negan runs the water for a second before grabbing a cloth and rinsing the spaghetti off, setting the three plates and the silverware to dry.

He walks into the living room where Judith is practicing steps, Carl reaching his hands out in case she falls. Carl grins so widely when Judith reaches him on her own, he hugs her and kisses her hair. Giggling and babbling, she claps her hands. Carl cuddles her and smiles against her face and Judith's fingers clutch his hair. They are warm and sweet, a small family that is perfect in every sense.

Negan makes a noise of content, perfectly fine to just watch them for hours more and see their happiness. But his noise makes Carl look up and his smile is gone, replaced with challenging eyes and a bitter scowl.

"I thought you had left."

Negan has battled the dead, watched his wife die, killed some of his best men. He will not be fucking hurt by some boy who doesn't accept him as part of the family that even Negan knows he's not a part of.

"Without saying 'goodbye'? You underestimate my manners, Carl."

He swaggers over to the two of them, Judith held protectively against her brother.

"Judith, you angel," he bends down to kiss her knuckles and his stubble on her skin makes her giggle. "You are getting too damn big, stop growing, kiddo," he smiles at her and she smiles back.

He straightens himself. "Carl…dinner was de-fucking-licious. I could've licked my plate clean." Scowl. Nothing but a scowl. "Thanks for the grub."

Negan substitutes a kiss with a pat on the back, an " _I'll miss you_ " with some stupid comment about licking plates.

Carl walks him to the door to prolong their goodbye and to see him off (actually, it's probably to make sure Negan actually leaves so that he can relax, but Negan likes to think it's not).

"See ya next week, same time?"

Carl gives a curt nod and Judith waves goodbye.

This isn't how it's suppose to end. It shouldn't end with him leaving, it should end with them all changing into pajamas, sitting on the couch in a huddle, aww-ing over Judith's new words. It's suppose to end with him staying here, being a permanent part of their lives, watching Judith grow and providing for Carl. That's what he wants, he wants that _so damn bad_.

But it doesn't matter how bad he wants it. He can't force that life on them for reasons he doesn't understand. He can't push them to give him the life he wants by giving up their own.

So Negan walks back to where he lives, with better safety, multiple wives, hundreds of followers, an established lifestyle.

Behind him, he leaves home.


	3. Chapter 3

Dwight tells him one day - rather hesitantly, Negan pleasantly notices - that his reputation is causing some problems.

"People are looking to you as an example, not just a leader. They see you killing people to send a message and screwing a dozen women," a nice, sorrow look flits across his fucked up face, "they're starting to do it themselves."

"Just tell them to knock it the fuck off." Negan can't have his people fucking like rabbits randomly, their population would grow faster than they could handle. And that wasn't the first time he had heard of the violence rising; he just never considered he was the cause.

"I don't think that will work, Negan." He likes Dwight now, honestly, but he doesn't like his orders being questioned. But he was still in a good mood getting to see Carl and Judith earlier, so he allows burn victim Barbie keep going. "They all know you're in charge," they fucking better, "but to see you live by one set of rules and enforce a different one on them, they won't like it." Negan considered that, he really does do his best to keep his people safe and happy. He could easily handle a riot, but it would cost him and his people a lot.

Dwight continued. "People here still do their jobs, but people are getting destructive. Everyone respect you, they want to be you. Whatever you do, they'll follow."

One wife snuggled up against him and another laying on the other side, Negan can see Dwight's point. On one hand, he is not equal to his people, not for a single second. They should all know Negan does whatever the hell he pleases and not to say shit about it.

On the other hand, he likes the idea of being more than a feared leader. He likes the idea of being a role model, setting an example, being what they should all strive to be. Kind, hard-working, strong, actively building his community. Maybe he doesn't like actually _doing_ all of those things, but he likes his people doing those things and he likes the idea of inspiring them (maybe even more than scaring them) into doing it.

Some of those things, Negan muses, he wouldn't entirely mind. Having a kinder society and contributing to that. Working more at rebuilding life is good. Creating relationships with his people. Well…pretty much everything Carl is.

Looking at the blonde to his right and the raven to his left, it's not what he wants. His wives don't do it for him anymore. Yes, they get the job done and are willing to do so, but that's not what he wants anymore. He doesn't want hard, to-the-point fucking. He wants…someone to lay with. Maybe something he had with Lucille, before she turned into skin and bones and lost all of her hair.

Negan thought she was beautiful even then. (Up until her dead body got up from the hospital bed to take a bite out of him.)

He was part of a good community once with his wife. He could do that again. Start a family, raise part of the next generation, contribute to the growth of their population.

Just like that, an idea he has had for a while starts turning in his head.

His wives are pretty and domestic, but Negan wouldn't trust any of them with a child. They're all smart women, tough women - the had to be to survive. But they aren't what Carl Grimes is. They weren't strong and stubborn, they weren't self-less and nurturing. None of them have an interest in a child and Negan doesn't believe any of them would be fit to raise his kid.

And his kid is already out there, in a less secure area. She's got precious blonde curls and curious eyes that are recognizing him a little more each time he visits her and her brother.

Negan wouldn't entirely give up his current image of being a total bad ass who is in charge. But Negan feels a desire in himself that he hasn't felt since Lucille: the desire to be a better man - for his people, for Judith, for Carl. He wants to continue bashing in skulls, but he also wants to be kinder, be someone others should strive to be. Negan wants to be loud and boisterous and obscene while being calm and gentle.

Fuck, life is getting more difficult.

Negan wants both of them, both lives in one. Maybe Carl would like it - if the little shit ever gave it a shot - to be the ruler of a community. Maybe the Saviors would like him as much as Negan does, see his gentle and caring side and welcome him to rule beside their leader, be his polar opposite but his equal, the only one. Be the example that Negan can never be, no matter how hard he tries. And he knows they would adore Judith, it was hard not to.

Maybe they could do it, he thinks as his wives slumber peacefully beside him. The three of them could be a little royal family, feared, loved and adored by them. A model of what the Saviors all should be while dictating their lives.

No. There is no 'maybe'. They could definitely do that.


	4. Chapter 4

"What kind of schooling do you have here?" Negan asks over dinner, spooning mashed potatoes into Judith's mouth.

Carl just looks at him for a moment. "School is left up to the family of each kid. We don't exactly have a school board here."

Negan nods, eyes focused on Judith, but his attention on Carl. "So you're responsible for teaching her?" He can see Carl nod out of the corner of his eye. "You think you're up for that?"

"I can do it." Which is true, Negan has no doubts that Carl would provide everything for Judith. He just knows he can provide more.

"We've got a lot of schools at the Sanctuary. Elementary, middle, high school. People there who were actually teachers before things went to…" Judith opens her mouth for another spoonful of mashed potatoes and Negan obliges "before things got bad."

"Good for you."

Damnit. He isn't trying to rub it in Carl's face. He wants the young man to see how good he could have it there, how much better life would be there. How much better it would be with Negan.

"I can get her into the kindergarten class next year, no problem."

"Judith will only be 4."

Shit, how did he not know Judith's age? "She'll be an early bloomer, won't you, sweetheart?" He coos at Judith, touching his forehead to hers. Her tiny hands reach for his scruffy beard and he lets her pull.

"Judith, _stop_." Little hands let go of his facial hair and Judith looks at her brother.

He hates that. He hates that Carl is teaching her to be afraid of him, view him as a monster rather than the protector he can be.

Negan straightens in his seat. "Or we could wait until she's 5, keep her home a little longer."

Carl gives him a strange look but doesn't say anything. Hey, as long as he's not disagreeing, Negan counts it as a win.

"Plus, we've got better security at the Sanctuary." He scoops some chicken onto Judith's spoon. Carl had insisted she could feed herself but Negan cherished every bit he could do for her. "More food, more medical supplies."

"Because you always take ours," Carl snaps. Negan shoots him a warning glare and Carl picks at his food.

"I'm just providing for my people." He doesn't need to defend himself to anyone, but Carl isn't just anyone. "If you were there, if you came back with me, you'd be my people."

"No thanks."

"You want to deny your sister all the opportunities she would have there?"

"She has plenty of opportunities here."

"She would have more there," Judith looks at Negan as if she knows she's being talked about. Which, she probably does at this age. "You wouldn't just be teaching her to survive, she'd learn to have some kind of career. How to read and write and shit." Oh damnit, he isn't suppose to swear around her.

"Why do you care?"

Negan grits his teeth and lifts the spoon up to Judith's mouth again. Does Carl really have no idea how much Judith means to him? How much _Carl_ means to him?

He's made it clear…or at least, Negan thought he had made it clear. He was taking less supplies from Alexandria, he was always feeding Judith, he was visiting them specifically every week. That showed something, it had to.

Then again, it's been a while since Negan had a family. He had done similar stuff for Lucille, brought everything she wanted when she was sick and stayed loyal to her. But…that was after an established relationship. What the fuck had he originally done to let her know he was interested? He had taken Lucille on dates, wasn't that kind of what this is? A dinner date of some kind?

Carl is no longer waiting for an answer, but Negan ponders it anyway. Every week, he would come over (not that he was invited) and expected Carl to cook for him and then leave.

Fuck. Maybe Negan isn't as smooth as he thought.

"Next week," he said, breaking the quiet, "you two come to the Sanctuary. I'll make dinner and show you around.

Carl remains silent, picking at his food. Negan's own plate grows cold, but Judith eats first, that how Negan likes it. He knows his tone didn't _offer_ dinner and a tour; he demanded it. But Negan knows Carl wouldn't come willingly just because he asked. If given the option, Carl will never choose him.

So Negan doesn't give an option.

"Would you like that, angel?" He murmurs to the beautiful little girl next to him. "Wanna come see where Uncle" ( _Daddy_ ) "Negan lives? See all the other little kids we have there?"

Judith blinks at him before nodding enthusiastically. "Mmm-hmm," her sweet voice agrees around a mouthful of food.

Negan smiles. "It's settled then." He would plan the whole day for the two of them. He would make it clear, once and for all, that he could provide for Carl and Judith; that he _wants_ them, both of them. He would prove that their place was beside him; Judith in his arms and Carl holding his hand.


End file.
